Hey DD,
It’s me, Massachusetts, you know, the guy who spends 70% of his disposable income on your products. Yeah, uh… we need to have a talk.

Let me start by just reiterating that I love your coffee, and I friggin love your donuts. In the past year or two though, I’ve started questioning your commitment to our relationship. You just don’t seem like you care about me as much. I feel like an afterthought.

First, I mean, I’ve been getting coffee from you for like ever, Dunk. You always used to get it so RIGHT. I mean it was great. It wasn’t as bitter as some of the other places, and always had the right combination of cream and sugar. Now? It’s a freaking gamble. I’ll order what I’ve always ordered, medium regular, but half the time I get a small black coffee, or a blueberry iced tea with cream and a donut jammed in there. IT isn’t THAT hard to get an order right. Right?

Secondly, and this is something that just leaves me completely bewildered, but … Pizza? WTF Dunks? I mean I like pizza as much as the next all American college student, hell I LOVE pizza, but CMON. A coffee shop slash bakery is NOT a place to serve pizza. Coffee? Morning. Donuts? Morning. Bagels? Morning. Pizza? 2 am after drinking. Which one doesn’t belong?

And last but certainly not least. Please listen carefully, because clearly you are not all there.

THIS PICTURE DOES NOT PROMOTE TERRORISM YOU DUMB ASS. Furthermore, removing it for the fundies in the South makes me again question how committed you are to your devoted New Englanders.

So Dunkin Donuts, I think we might need a break. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

When I’m ready.

Sincerely,

Massachusetts.